Chicken Universe

In Pseudoscience by Brian Koberlein8 Comments

I have a theory. Maybe the Sun isn’t powered by the fusion of hydrogen in its core, maybe it’s powered by chickens. Now, I don’t have a fancy Ph.D. in chickenology, but I’ve raised chickens. I know chicken behavior when I see it. It seems pretty obvious that the Sun is powered by chickens. Don’t believe me? Just watch this YouTube video that proves it. 

Lab experiments show that chicken can emit thermal radiation.

Lab experiments show that chicken can emit thermal radiation.

Now those of you who continue to cling to the idea of core fusion might argue something about the Sun’s surface having a thermal spectrum, which is not chicken-like at all, but experiments in the lab have shown that chicken when heated does emit a thermal spectrum. Yes, core fusion could also explain the Sun’s spectrum, but until a Sun is created in the lab, we can’t be sure. However, if scientists would just put a roasted chicken near the Sun, they would confirm the chicken universe model.

Gonzo was a visionary genius who was shunned by the scientific estabilshment.

Gonzo was a visionary genius who was shunned by the scientific establishment.

Unfortunately, in order to keep their cushy academic jobs, scientists continue to hinder chicken research. Chicken physics papers submitted to their “peer reviewed” journals are rejected out of hand. Their adherence to the standard model is almost religiously dogmatic. They claim that chicken cosmology has long been disproved, but they only consider frictionless spherical chickens in a vacuum. As anyone who has raised chickens knows, real chickens have physical properties dogmatic astronomy can’t explain.

For example, when large numbers of chickens are packed into small chicken coops, the temperature of the coop greatly increases. So much heat is produced that often cooling systems must be used to remove excess heat. This supports the idea of hen fusion, where hens in large numbers can generate significant heat. In the chicken Sun model, the surface of the Sun is covered with chickens. The density of the chickens is so great that they emit the heat and light we see as sunshine.

Industrial farming, or hen fusion research? You decide.

Industrial farming, or hen fusion research? You decide.

If you watch chickens in a large coop, you’ll notice that often the chickens will cluster in such a way that gaps form, revealing the ground below. This could explain the presence of sunspots, where gaps in solar surface chickens reveal the cooler, darker layer below. The excrement of chickens also contains the building blocks for life, and has been demonstrated to encourage plant growth in the lab. Clearly there are aspects of the model that need to be further developed, but chicken physics makes more sense that inventing things like dark matter, dark energy and the big bang to explain the cosmos.

Chicken cosmology could not only answer some of the biggest mysteries of astrophysics, it could provide us with limited free energy. Chicken propulsion technology could give us access to the stars. But that will only happen when scientists stop acting like religious zealots and look at the evidence with an open mind.

Paper: Doug Zongker. Chicken Chicken Chicken: Chicken ChickenChicken, 10(3):307–314, 2000.


  1. Ok, I was dubious until the sunspot part, but I have to say that makes absolute sense. Scientists have never satisfied me with their sunspot explanations until now. Zongker’s paper is also surprisingly elucidating. I have one question: Are you sure there is no goat component?

  2. This could be the answer to why so many things “taste like chicken”!

  3. C’mon, Brian, we all know it all really started with The Big Cluck – creating everything in the Universe tracable back to a single Egg (I absolutely acknowledge the fierce ongoing debate regarding whether it was a brown or white Egg, but we all know the Egg _was_).

    Feather Theory seems a bit over the top. Frankly I have problems with the idea that just because feathers are lighter than eggs (and can float on water or in the air) they must be behind The Big Cluck. I can see Feathers being involved, but I don’t see them having enough complexity to lay an Egg. It does seem to be comfortable for many though, especially Down Feather Theory.

    But at least we know Black Holes can’t exist. There is no way enough Black Roosters have been created since The Big Cluck, let alone had enough time to gather into big enough balls to form them. And between you and me, I don’t think Black Roosters exist either. I’ve never seen one in my living room or on the way to work, and neither has anyone I’ve ever asked about them.

  4. What confernce was that? I forsee that paper getting multidicipline attention.

    1. Mr. Unger, would you expect that the mutidiscipline would be limited to tar and feathers, or would other forms of discipline be involved? Clearly a strong message must be sent to discourage this kind of frivolity.

  5. Hmm…now the question, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” may have been answered. It looks like my (well researched) answer may be wrong. I used to maintain that the rooster came first.

  6. rather than sunshine i propose chickenshine. and maybe since it’s so in right now, organic free range energy.

  7. I think it’s obvious why the physics journals won’t review this research. They’re chicken!

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